It’s kind of a funny thing…thinking that I was different. I use to roll out of bed, put whatever on and go to high school. Maybe I was different then, but now I’m the same as every other person that I use to vow I would never be. When I got married I thought my wife and I had a different relationship than most. We love each other and never get into any fights and I figured that when we walked around holding hands that people could just tell how madly in love we are. However, I am wrong, when I look around I just see a bunch of people who look just like me…they have a beautiful wife, just like me. They are going to school just like me, they’re wife is pregnant, just like me(well my wife is the one who is actually prego, not me). They don’t fight with their wife, just like me, which means I am just like them, but I hate them, which means they hates me, just like me! So, what makes me different? Nothing is the answer (I figured I would tell you just in case you were racking your head trying to come up with an answer of some sort), I have become a poser to my true self. I have essentially “sold out” in life, except I’m not making any money and they are. I don’t have a job like they do, I’m not graduated like they are. It’s a list I use to not want and certainly I never wanted to be like them and why should I be like them? I’m not a follower…or a leader, but my dad told me while sitting in a Wendy’s (headed to a father/son camp out) that you had to be one or the other. So I’m forced to compare myself to those that I despise, because we’re the exact same person, to come up with my answer. I guess they are followers so that means…I’m a (drum roll please) FOLLOWER, a lemming if you will, but I can’t help it. I’m in the system and am trapped by my willingness to be there. It’s a comfortable place to be and that’s why so many of us are there. I only hope that one day I can become my true self again. I don’t think I can or want to for a long time, it’s just too dang comfortable here such that I have become like what Pink Floyd described as (now this is my own interpretation) comfortably numb. I am comfortably numb as a poser to my own self and should probably come to terms with it, but I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna grow up, I’m still a punk at heart and will always be. I certainly do not want to be the same 17 year old punk that I was, but a more mature spin off of that would be nice. I’ve taken a slow road over the last 7 years that has made me to what I am. I am assuming now that I will bide my time until I have some sort of “GREAT AWAKENING” and I will truly become myself again (that could possibly be a pipe dream). I am about 20% there so I still have a ways to go. Now, I’m not 100% sure how I will get the other 60%, but I’m sure I will. You see 20 + 60 is not 100, but I like the 20% that I’ve changed, I won’t get into those details, but I think I’ve become a better and more mature person. So when I become 80% back to me, I’ll be 100% me. That’s my goal this year and probably next year and probably most of my life is to get that other 60% back. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my life, but I don’t want to be like that guy over there who I have hated my whole life. It’s all about the journey taken, the things you learn and the things that help you grow and finding out who you really are. Plus, if I fail, I can teach my kids to be punks and just live through them (I’m sure they would love that)!
Scott Pete
I just heard a radio show where a dude that used to sing punk songs about how bad “the man” was & about how bad the “family man” was especially got married, had some kids & found himself BEING both. He had to try to tell his kids not to do the kinds of things that he raged about in his songs. It was a curious perspective. I guess we never really understand the Leader, till we have to be one. And make no mistake, life is designed to progress us, if we take the journey, through differing levels of Manhood.
A guy named John Eldridge wrote an awesome book about that journey saying that guys start out in boyhood, seeking to know they matter to their fathers. At some point their focis moves them to a stage that can be called the cowboy or adventurer, a time of exploration. Next he becomes a warrior as he learns to fight for what he believes in. Then of course he becomes the lover, self-explanatory. He then assumes the role of a king, ruling over a kingdom of sorts, and finally after life has given him years of experience, he can be the sage, the one who imparts his tempered wisdom.
Now that I’ve waxed majorical, I just want to say that I know how you feel. My percent is more like 10 though, so a long ways to go, but I’m glad that I have great friends to share the journey with.
Keep up the blogging & don’t be just another brick in the wall, unless of course it’s the wall that fortifies your home against viking or hun invades!
Your a great blogger and I am glad your doing it again. I hope it get’s you at least 1 or 2% closer to you goal of getting 60% more you. I love you just the way you are and I am sure I will love you throughout this life even if you return to you 17 year old punk days and become just the guy that you wanna be.
You’ll get yourself back during your mid-life crisis.
No but for real-ee-o? You had and will always have a strong sense of individuality. You have a unique sense of humor (that has never faltered or wavered or changed) and you still have a heart of gold. I know on the surface you may feel that you have become a poser to your true self but do all of those other people have bad A blogs? Do all of those other people have your sense of humor? Do all of those other people grow mullets or have wives that let them grow mullets?
Maybe you’re not as similar to them as you think.
Great blog! I especially liked this post. You and Lauren are awesome!!!!!
I am abouat 43% confused.
Two things…
1) you have a mullet?…that’s awesome! 2) Lauren is pregnant? Congrats.